There have been a lot of turning points in my life. I have started down paths with the best intentions and I’ve made wrong turns that I thought were right. 1 year ago, I left my life and everything in it behind and started over. You could say I was correcting a wrong turn I had made about 5 years prior. But the truth is it was more than a little course correcting. This time I chose to drive right off the cliff and hope there was something better at the bottom. At the very least, I’d let it all burn and I’d scrape and climb my way back to the top.
You see it takes looking at your life and truly hating everything it has become to realize that you have nothing left to lose.
He did that, ya know… made me hate everything. Especially myself.
But this isn’t a sad story. Because remember… I drove off the cliff. Because I was done.
Done not knowing what version of him I was going to come home to. Done walking on egg shells so as to not accidentally start a fight. Done with being lied to and cheated on only to have him tell me it’s because I’m so insecure. Done being pushed into walls while he screamed in my face. Done with broken bottles and cruel words he wouldn’t remember the next day. Done with him not listening to the words “you’re hurting me”. Done with him admitting he had a problem and making promises to change only to stay the same. Done being told how difficult I am to love. Done with hearing that it wouldn’t be any different if I was with someone else because I was the problem. And absolutely done with holding on to a hope that it would ever get better.
Once I realized that I was no match for the demons he continued to feed, I left and never looked back. I drove off the cliff.
My climb back to the top looked a little something like this:
I went to school full time to pursue a career in a field I have ALWAYS been passionate about, and earlier this month opened my independent esthetics practice (with lots of work still ahead, but looking forward to it)
I have made amazing friends. Life changing friends. The kind who see me, love me, and would be there if I needed them at the drop of a hat. The kind who challenge me and support me and push me to be the best version of myself, and love me just the same when I fall short.
I have opened myself to so many new things and have discovered so much about myself. I have broken away from everything I was trained to think/believe/do and instead became familiar with my inner voice. My Knowing. And have chosen to be loyal to her, first and foremost.
I have read books, listened to podcasts, meditated and journaled, been in therapy, and grown in ways that girl 5 years ago wouldn’t have dreamed.
It took time. It took work. It took a lot of help and support from my family and my friends.
It took climbing back to the top and looking down at the wreckage to realize I was happy to see it all burned to ash. Rebuild in progress. But what I know for sure is this:
I will never again let someone else tell me who I am. I will never again let someone else tell me what I can do. I will never again let someone else define how difficult it is to love me. Because it took me less than a year to realize how easy it is to love me